The Fear Memory that caused my Muladhara to be blocked!

I was little, And to be fair I remembered this moment like it was yesterday.

Sometimes we can convince ourselves that our memories never happened, especially when we consider that since the past isn’t malleable anymore, it must not be real.

While this may be an idea to conceptualize within nuance, we have to remember…

The body keeps the score.

Not only do emotions and memories get trapped within our bodies, the experiences can actually affect our DNA!

I was around four years old and was up way too late past my bedtime, and I heard my mom come home late!

I went out to investigate, and I just remember not being sure what was happening.

I found her in the kitchen rummaging through drawers, seemingly looking for something.

I noticed immediately that there was something wrong, her eyes seemed hazy and the way she was moving was strange and unlike how my mother usually acts.

“mom?” I asked. “are you okay?”

She didn’t really respond, and I remember being somewhat confused at first.

I continued to press her, and her lack of response and annoyance began to actually upset me.

As a HSP, you can imagine how sensitive I must have been as a child, too.

After constant pressing that the overwhelming grasp of fear took hold of me.

My first thought ?

“Something was WRONG WITH MY MOM” Suddenly, the mother that had taken care of, protected,a nd held me for so long was no longer.

I remember in the interaction as I was begging her to talk to me, or at least say something, she handed me a lime.

You’d think that it would be a lemon instead, ya know? Like when life hands you lemons? but no. not even a lemon. a lime.

I was distraught, and feared for the rest of our relationship.

It seems small, but as a child, it was like my whole world was turning upside down.

The healing fact that helped unblock this, was as I observed I realized and remembered that my mom had just come home from drinking, and she was just too incoherant to really understand WHY I was so upset.

After looking back on it and observing, I was able to rewrite the story…

The original story I had told myself was that I could no longer trust that the people I loved. I began a fear based trauma loop of never trusting anyone in my life that continued over and over - I’d even leave relationships before they could flourish because I was so afraid of it going wrong..

Thanks for reading,

I learned through this though that just because my mom came home drunk one night unexpectedly, doesn’t mean that everyone in my life will up and disappear or change overnight…

-City