I went off track

I’m not sure if i”ve ever been so vocal about my use of substances on here.

For quite a while I’ve been near completely sober.

No weed, no alchohal, No VAPEEEE.

I’m really capitalizing the vape because oh my god I love it so much it was integral for my writing for quite a long time, just the constant stream of mentholy air really gave me a spark and maybe also I felt so connected to Frida Kahlo in how she smoked cigarettes…

So anyways, off track completely.
The truth is I got invited by these guests at the private club I work at to go out and have a few drinks, and ya know what I did!

I just felt like it was a whole body yes and I got totally intoxicated.

Nothing terrible happened like it has before for me but ever since then I completely fell off my wagonnn.

I felt lethargic, slow, and you could say a little bit “lazy.”

I totally accept this little phase as it was just part of the pattern that’s been playing out since I first began drinking at fifteen.

I had a crush on this older guy and was with a few friends, and I got completely hammered and totally had a mini meltdown in front of everyone cuz the guy I liked but was like ghosting me or something or didn’t really know me was there and I felt like such shit about it and was drunk it became a pretty hectic combo.

They say the first time you take a substance molds it into a pattern that will continue to play out the more you use it.

With me personally it included sexual undertones and lots of crying.

So you can imagine how I am at the club ;)

But truthfully for a long time I wanted to avoid it and just become really good at not being like that, and so I continued to drink even after times I would black out and have mental breakdowns in front of my close friends, or end up in someone I didn’t even knows bed or inviting someone over when I was 21 living at my parents house.

Suffice to say…and as I’m typing back on these memories I’m pretty certain I’m going to be avoiding it for the long haul - but acknowledging shame is completely alleviated by telling the story so that is what I have tried to demonstrate here to the best of my ability.

You’re welcome to reply to this email with a time you maybe felt embarrassed about your substance use, maybe it has become substance ABUSE? This is a safe space.

Love is really all about acceptance, and if we are gonna walk with love we gotta acknowledge the shit we have disdain and judge ourselves for…cuz when you ascend you never truly leave anything behind.

Ciao!

-City